convergence

I unconsciously realize I've been looking intently to a big headed, small-beaked, repulsive bird in my window. She was as well staring back at me with her huge, creepy eyes. Haunting. She seemed to be admirably responsive, wanting to tell me something. She eyed me in a benign manner, reaching for the unfathomable, the fervor i have been hiding for the last eleven years of my life. I looked away, aware of the game i just lost.

While gazing blankly on the ceiling and continuously sipping my coffee, i notice movements. I looked around and saw shadows hiding behind my door. I heard music - the same songs I've waited so long to hear. Eleven years and now they're back. Why? Why now? I sat still, crying. Haven't i suffered enough? I asked myself.

Not a single day did i give up the thought of seeing all of them again. Eleven years, eleven long cruel years, I've waited incessantly for them. Until recently, i gave up. They left me, they all did. This time I'm not letting them hurt me again, not today, not ever.

Youth. Happiness. Courage. Love. They all gave me the magic of life, the feeling of being real and being loved. They used to take me to places one could only dream, sing me songs until i fall asleep in their laps and withdraw hurt and bullies in my life. I thought we were happy; i thought it was forever; i thought i will always have them.

Until one day, they left, gone, and never came back - until now. I loathed the repercussions and grieved for my loss. They gave me my life but they took it back. It ripped me apart - torn and broken. I love them, always will. But no more, never again.

I stopped crying. They all stood there, crowded in my undersized room. Silence, seemingly not knowing what to do. Should i hug them? Tell them i still love them? Or should i hold back? Seeing them hurts me already. What if they leave me again? I cant take another loss. I cant love anymore. What if they teach me again? I just want to live, nonchalant of losses i had after they've gone. What if they want to stay? I want them too, but i cant. Its too late - too much.


They all smiled; stirring something deep inside me. They hugged me, squeezing every pessimism and distrust i had. We were laughing now between tears.

Then again, they disappeared.

I should have screamed. I should have made them stay akin to the others who wanted. I held back and i pushed them back away - maybe forever.

But no, i know better. They came back to make things right - like they always do. Life, they bought back my life. The youth i needed, the happiness i should have, the courage to face oppression and coercion; and the love i wanted. Even if i asked them to stay, i know they cant. They weren't meant to stay amidst of the losses. They taught me things only existence and pure love can edify. No more holding back and looking past cupids' arrows. No more hating, start loving.

They might have left me again but absence was never their excuse to not leave me behind the magic and legacy they possess. Now i know that some losses are luminous growth and some growths are crushing losses.

I stared again in the eyes of the ugly bird. She seemed peaceful now, at ease and laughing. I felt better, much better. I smiled back. They always do come back sometimes. Realization is never too late even if it took me eleven years.

That's how my unexpected convergence of an Ugly Bird and numerous Angels and Fairies changed my life.




James Dean once said, "One should dream as if one would live forever and live as if you'd die today."